How to Stop Being a “Nice Guy”

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While the second half of this piece will discuss how to stop being a nice guy and transform into a bad boy that women want it should be known from the start that guys actually don’t need to stop being nice, they need to alter the way they hold themselves. There is a belief in not only the pick-up and dating communities, but society as a whole, that nice guys finish last when it comes to attracting women. This is a grave misconception that leads to more dating and pick-up failures, than successes.

The real men who finish last are pushovers, not nice guys. Being a “nice guy” isn’t actually a problem, when it’s “done the right way” so we need to explore the entire concept of what a nice guy is. Unfortunately the “nice guy” misconception leads men new to the dating scene to avoid being friendly to women, when being kind can be a powerful asset to attract women.

It’s also become a a popular myth that men need to be “mean” in order for them to be able to get a girlfriend, but what exactly is the definition of “mean” that everyone is talking about? This will hopefully set the record straight on all of these things involving being a nice guy. Part I of this article will discuss the difference between nice guys and pushovers as well as the formation of the idea of the nice guy, and the second part of the article will involve steps to becoming more of a “bad boy” that women want.

PART I: BREAKING DOWN THE NICE GUY MYTHOLOGY

Where “Being Mean” Came From

The reason for this anti-nice guy belief from men is because many times these self-proclaimed nice guys were guys who were friendzoned. When a guy is in the friendzone a woman will go on and on about how “mean” the guys she’s with are being to her. The odd thing is men never actually try to listen to why the boyfriend or other guys are supposedly mean. It’s rare that a woman goes on a rant saying that her boyfriend is beating her, which by all means would qualify as mean, abusive, and as a serious problem.

Most of the time when a woman is calling her significant other(s) an “ass” he really isn’t doing anything that terrible. Typically, when a woman refers to a guy as “mean”, a “dick”, an “ass” etc…he’s not doing much other than not doing something that she wants to do. If you’re in this situation for the moment, where a woman goes on anti-guy tirades to you, actually listen to what she’s saying. She’s going to mention something she told him to do and she’s bewildered why he didn’t do it. If a woman commands her guy to jump off a bridge and he doesn’t do it, he’s automatically “mean” because he didn’t listen to her.

What these guys are doing isn’t “mean”, they’re actually putting themselves first and not doing every single thing that a woman commands them to do. Someone doesn’t need to be mean or abusive, in order to do the things that they want to do.

Example of a “mean” guy: A woman calls up her boyfriend to hang out for the night. They had no original plans but she wants to see him. The boyfriend tells her “I already made plans with my friends to see a movie.” A majority of the time a woman is going to, at the very least, make an attempt to get her boyfriend to see her instead. It’s not “mean” for the boyfriend to resist this attempt and to keep his plans, it’s actually the right thing to do. The boyfriend keeps his plans with his friends and makes future plans with his girlfriend.

Now since the girl is bored she’s either going to go out or text her friendzoned guy friend(s) and complain and complain about how horrible her boyfriend is. The friendzoned guy will typically agree and admit how terrible the boyfriend is. Was the boyfriend really terrible though? He kept plans with his friends and will see his girlfriend another time, is keeping plans a horrible abusive thing to do? The answer is no. The guy was very nice to his girlfriend and kept his plans, it’s not mean to do something you want to do.

Similar to the example above, it’s not a mean thing for a man to dress or look how he wants to. Women always consider resistance to a request as mean, when in reality it’s not mean at all to do what you want. Many times a woman will complain about something, and wants the man to immediately agree with her opinion. This happens often when women comment on a guy’s hair or clothing or something he’s made a personal decision on.

Let’s say a woman tells a man that she doesn’t like the new beard style he’s sporting. A nice guy would thank her for her opinion and continue to wear his beard how he pleases. It’s not mean to continue doing what you want to do. A pushover on the other hand will promptly jump up, grab a razor, and allow the woman to style his beard how she sees fit. That pushover mentality is the real problem for men…

The Difference Between a Nice Guy vs A Pushover

Pushover: “A person who is easy to overcome or influence.”

A pushover is exactly the kind of person a man wants to avoid becoming. Unfortunately the term “nice guy”, which should translate to “friendly”, has actually become a synonym for the word pushover. Therein lies the problem. Every example above of guys “being mean” weren’t example of anything mean at all. Being nice vs being a pushover is the actual distinction to make for success with women.

A nice guy is someone who is friendly, courteous, and has a smile on their face because they’re happy. Typically, guys who are getting with women on a consistent basis aren’t angry with a perpetual pissed-off face. It’s also a rarity to see a guy getting hot and heavy with a girl on the dance floor who looks like he’s upset.

There may be some miserable and angry men who can get women, but being genuine, engaging, and conversational is a very balanced way to get women as well for your everyday guy. The very key to showing interest in a woman is to become engaged and friendly with her. Typically, laughter is involved and kindness with subtle teasing is the way to spark that positive vibe. Being a consistent jerk because of a “I can’t be nice” mantra isn’t going to work.

A pushover on the other hand will do anything for women, and put themselves second. Every goal or dream that they have means nothing, all that matters is getting a girlfriend. They will do this by limiting everything they really want to do by attempting to please the women they know, but it’s actually counterproductive to success.

Pushovers and Gifts

Trying to appease women, or buy their affection is another common trait of the pushover. A nice guy shows affection when he wants to, or buys a woman something when he wants to. A pushover on the other hand, will do whatever it takes to keep a woman pleased with him. A nice, kind man wouldn’t try to deceive a woman into love or purchase her feelings. A nice guy understands that a gift should be given out of love and sincerity, not as a way to get a woman interested.

Typically a pushover (mistakenly referred to as a “nice guy”) buys gifts on gifts on gifts for a woman he is receiving nothing from in return. Another popular myth has become that buying women something is a mistake and it stems from these guys who buy tons of gifts without any physical intimacy in return.

There is nothing wrong with buying gifts for women. I want to make that very clear. Women can get gifts all of the time, but if, and only if, you’re involved together in a physical way. I would save any major gifts or anything big for special occasions and after you’ve been dating for a long time. That doesn’t mean if you have a loving girlfriend you can’t go out and buy ice cream for both of you. Guys who have to obey a “no-gift” rule look insecure because they have to adhere to “rules” instead of doing things in a socially proper way.

Gifts are only an issue when a guy who is friendzoned is buying things for a woman. This happens a lot. Men will pick up the tab for a friend, or will pay for her food, or will pay for her gas. That is the furthest thing in the world from “being nice”, it’s manipulative and degrading for a man to do to himself. I have seen guys buy extremely expensive gifts for a woman they want to be with and they get absolutely nothing in return.

This isn’t to say buying gifts or treating real friends, both male and female, is a bad thing. I’ve picked up the tab for groups of my friends before but I wasn’t trying to get a woman to be with me out of it. Buying something for a genuine female friend because she helped you tremendously somehow is fine, it’s like buying something for a guy friend who did you a favor. The difference comes about when you’re buying gifts to get in a girls pants. That’s never going to work.

Actual Nice Guys Are Honest

Another popular mistake of pushovers (again mistaken as “nice guys”) is that they pretend to share similarities they don’t actually have with a woman. A true “nice guy” would have a major problem lying to a woman. It’s not a very nice thing to lie and feign interest in similar topics.

Example: A guy is out at a bar having a conversation with a woman. Interest in a certain subject (band, movie, TV show etc…) is the current talking point. A nice guy would have the honesty to tell the woman if he didn’t like the band or movie she is fond of. It’s fine to disagree with women. A pushover on the other hand would bend his personal interests to match the woman’s, to make himself appear like a genuine suitor with similar interests.

The pushover mentality, where a man is an interest-shifter based on who he’s talking to, is the furthest thing from being nice. A pushover is a pretend nice guy, whereas a legitimate kind individual is nice to others but doesn’t fear disagreement with them either.

This same false similarity mistake also applies to the way a man dresses. If a woman typically dates guys who wear ripped jeans, fedoras, and blazers some men will start dressing that same way, even if it’s not his style, just to try and get noticed. Pretending to have certain interests or fashion tastes with a woman isn’t a nice thing to do.

The Importance of Nice Guy vs Pushover

Doing what you want and being independent, regardless of what a woman is saying or asks you to do, is not mean or abusive. Pushovers are not nice guys, and nice guys don’t need to be pushovers. Being comforting and kind is not the same thing as forgoing personal desires and opinions.

My favorite example of a traditional “bad boy” being nice is from “Casino Royale”

Bond Comforting Vesper, Nice Guys Don't Finish Last
In the movie Casino Royale Vesper Lynd helps Bond kill an attacker. When Bond later returns to his hotel room, he finds Vesper traumatized and emotionally distraught, sitting in the shower, fully clothed, trying to cleanse herself of the blood on her hands. Bond walks into the shower, also fully clothed, and sits down next to her. She leans on him and he puts her fingers in his mouth, representing that he’s the one to blame, not her. He also offers her a shoulder to lean on and wraps his arms around her.

In that example, through Bond’s actions and presence, he offered the woman comfort. We can all agree that was a nice thing to do, but does that make him any less of a confident or manly character? He didn’t run downstairs to the gift shop and buy her 50 teddy bears. He also didn’t start crying with her, sobbing for himself while she’s upset. Instead he offered comfort to a woman he was beginning to care about. The masterful part of this scene is that he speaks no words to her either. Through body language and presence alone he comforts the woman. James Bond (for the moment) is still a great Hollywood indicator on how to be a man, this scene exemplifies why.

A real man can offer comfort and kindness without losing any of his appeal in the process. A real nice guy stays true to himself at all times, doing what he feels is right, but doing it in a socially proper way, so he can always be in the right from a social perspective. Thanking a woman for an opinion (and disregarding it internally) will always be more beneficial than going bonkers or agreeing with what she says. It also keep a man’s reputation intact. Women will always look to either whip a man into submission/agreement, or make him lose his temper, doing neither will always guarantee the upper hand in social situations.

That is exactly why it’s important for all men to understand, that being nice isn’t the problem at all. The real problem is handling situations like an emotional mess instead of with confidence. Bond didn’t buy Vesper gifts and cry, he calmed her with his presence, it was nice and masculine at the same time. Anyone looking to become successful with women, needs to understand this difference between being a nice guy and a pushover. Be your woman’s rock, that’s what she wants.

PART II: How to Stop Being a Nice Guy

Create Boundaries

If you haven’t been able to notice by now, women created the narrative that makes men think being a decent human being is bad. They call things “asshole behavior” that are really just a man living his life. Any time a man does his own thing he’s automatically a bad guy. Being a nice guy means actually a guy who kisses women’s asses and does not draw boundaries. Drawing boundaries is the key to no longer being considered a nice guy. As I mentioned earlier looking the way you want can be one of those boundaries, you cannot let a woman determine how you feel about yourself or your look.

Never tolerate a woman crossing one of your boundaries and never threaten either. Make it clear if you do not approve of something. If it is a minor thing retracting your attention or being displeased should be enough, if it’s something like vomiting drunk every weekend then reconsider your relationship. BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY. A staple of nice guys is that they will tolerate anything. Do not do this, allowing women (or anyone) to walk on you does not garner respect.

Teasing

Busting balls is crucial to manhood and is an alpha male trait. Men do it to other men and they’re supposed to do it to women too. Humor, joking around, and teasing is a powerful aphrodisiac for women. Now how far or how much you want to tease, depends on who you are. I will be honest here, I tease way too much, but it has also led to me being with extremely good looking women.

I relentlessly bust balls of everyone I meet and I’m in the position that I’m known for it. For some guys that’s not going to work. I have a background in martial arts so if one of my jokes happens to offend I’ll be alright. That is why women are attracted to men that tease. They know that they have a high status in that they have some form of protection, whether it be personal ability or the ability of a group.

If I’m out I have a big group with me and can also protect myself. When you walk in with 10 other guys and carry yourself well, you can obviously get away with much more joking around. Joke around in a way that you feel comfortable. I am not advocating for anyone to be punched in the face. This isn’t just about guys either, girls will playfully start smacking you when you roast them. I’m here to explain the traits of the “bad boys” and it’s up to you to decide how to use it. Being fully honest, teasing needs to fit with a guys persona. It’s something I have learned to utilize and works for me.

Teasing seems to be an art rapidly losing steam. It’s not something that I can teach. I’ve experienced it my whole life at home and my social circle is pretty brutal with never ending jokes. It’s a naturally acquired talent but it can be boiled down to at least be funny with women. If you’re on a date bust the balls of those around you. Read the room and notice funny things. Roast the guy feeding his girlfriend or fumbling all over the place. Make a joke about one of the waitresses “totally flirting” with one of the dinner guests. Being able to read a room and joking about the surroundings can be a viable replacement for direct teasing.

When Mystery re-established the pick-up arts in the early 2000’s he nicknamed teasing “negs” that involved minor insults of sorts to women. Doing research on those things may be beneficial if you want to start using the art of teasing more in your game. Again, it’s not for everybody and I respect that.

“Nice Guys” are Manipulative

I want to touch on this again in it’s own section because it should be repeated and understood. Many times a guy is just being nice to get into a woman’s pants. That is not nice at all, it’s disingenuous and women can smell that from a mile away. Buying a woman’s affection is a top priority for the manipulative nice guy. Men who do this are making feelings a transaction instead of a natural process and it’s rarely going to work. Maybe after 10 years it’ll yield some success, but this isn’t how you want to go about dating.

A woman should like you anyway, right? Not the objects your buying her. While being wealthy is an asset to attracting women, gift giving should be a reward not a requirement. Sometimes guys also think acting a certain way is going to get in a woman’s pants too. “Well if I call her and text her 24/7 she’ll love me” but acting in a particular way to get a woman is only a detriment to your game. Be real, be genuine, and don’t act in a certain way like a movie gentleman. Especially if your only intention is hoping it works to have sex with a woman.

Smile/Maintain Eye Contact

Unfortunately many guys who have the “nice guy” problem do not know when to smile or maintain eye contact in a situation. This mainly involves insecurity when it comes to the eye contact. I also want to note with smiling that it’s supposed to be an appropriate smile. I often laugh or smirk, but refrain (personally) from doing mega corny smiles in pictures, that’s just my thing. If you’re going to smile make it genuine, you can tell when someone is posing or legitimately enjoying themselves. Get to the point you’re enjoying your interactions, a nervous (or forced) smile is different from a genuine one. Life is meant to be enjoyed, everything is done in good fun. That mindset will help your eyes become more involved and a full smile to surface as you genuinely emote.

Yes: Abusers, Cheaters, and Genuine Bad Guys get Women

At no point do I want to confuse my readers here that being a genuinely nice guy is the only way. That will never be the ultimate form of dropping a girls panties. A womanizing drug dealing underground cage fighter is often going to have sex with any woman he wants. That is reality. I wrote this piece because many guys looking for articles like this are not those kinds of men and simply no longer being a pushover will elevate their game to a level they have never experienced before. On principle though I will not delude anyone into believing these “bad” types of guys aren’t scoring 24/7.

The interesting thing about guys like that is that they can very often go to jail. It will not be a steady relationship most of the time. Similar to decent guys looking for content like this, it will often be guys looking for a relationship as well. We are all biological beings as humans, women want to be with a man who can handle them in the bedroom. Dominance is attractive to women and the entire foundation of what’s wrong with nice guys is that women cannot picture sleeping with them because they are viewed as weak.  If you want the ultimate take away from this article it’s that. Women want a man, not a girlfriend. They want a man who is unshaken in every way, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Many things I have covered in this article are also expanded upon in my articles about the friendzone and neediness/insecurity. I believe the three of these articles should be read together. You can read my article on the friendzone by clicking HERE and my article on neediness by clicking HERE