One of the major problems men claim to have, or are directly told they have (ouch),,is that they’re needy or insecure. Neediness, or needing/wanting approval and “OKs” from women is a genuine problem that men have. There are a few reasons why guys act in an approval seeking manner, and understanding them can help men to stop being needy and insecure in the future. There are also many types of insecurities, the one described in this article is the insecurity that has a root in neediness, which often drives needy and approval seeking thought processes.Being needy and insecure in a relationship can cause the downfall of a relationship and if you’re needy and insecure in general you won’t get into a relationship in the first place. Women want to be with a man who is confident and sure of himself. Yhis article will help you get there.
Neediness and Approval Explained
Neediness and approval all stems from a man wanting a woman to be OK with anything that has to do with him. This can be a grooming choice, fashion choice, social choice etc…Wanting approval from women can happen in almost any situation. Even sitting in a bar, partaking in something, and then scanning to see if women were cool with what you just did, is needy behavior.
People by nature have a desire to be liked. That’s just how it is. You don’t have to care about anyone’s opinion, or let others affect you, but that doesn’t mean that you want to be disliked by others. The desire to be liked is also driven by the fact that popular people are often well liked or admired in some way. Neediness is driven by fear of not having that.
Insecurity is often based in that fear of something about you isn’t approval worthy so you can’t be liked, or admired as well. That’s simply not true. Any flaw that you have may be overcome. Whether it’s internal or external, confidence and self-improvement can override that insecurity.
Along with wanting people to like you, having approval from women can make a man feel more comfortable or confident. When a guy gets a compliment, naturally it can make him feel good. When a guy gets an organic compliment and feels that ego boost, he may start seeking compliments to continue having that feeling. Compliments and approval give an artificial reprieve from insecurities. Compliments that are sought after don’t really improve confidence or help in the long run. It’s a quick release of anxiety and stress to think: “Oh, phew, no one thought what I just did was weird, they thought it was funny, now I don’t need to be embarassed.” That quick relief is actually detrimental to a man’s confidence, because he will always need to “check in” with others whenever he does anything.
Using a woman as an example might seem weird on a men’s dating website, but the answer was so good (and potentially life changing) that the mindset applies to men as well. Recently, after a UFC fight, Ronda Rousey (the UFC women’s champion) gave an interesting answer to a question from Joe Rogan. Often when Rousey fights she is booed by the crowds in attendance and often vilified on social media as well. With her star power improving and dominance in the ring, even her detractors have come to respect her, even if they don’t personally like her. Without even getting into the question/answer yet, right away this proves something. Being yourself will eventually gain you respect from other’s, even if people dislike you, respect can always be earned. The question and Rousey’s answer proves why she has gained a massive following. Rogan asked her if she appreciated the crowd reaction from the night, because she was getting massive cheers, and much more than she had gotten in any fight to date. Her response was perfect when she said she appreciated the applause, but it doesn’t effect her performance, because if she let’s the cheers impact her positively then the boo’s can impact her negatively. She had no desire to discuss fan opinions, she’s going to be her and fight her style and if fans love her for it fantastic, and if they don’t oh well. She doesn’t need or want to get approval from anyone, opinions about her, both positive and negative, aren’t going to change who she is or how she feels. There’s a great lesson to be learned from that and applying the same mentality to your life.
Neediness Feels Good, but Looks Bad
It’s great to feel liked and know a woman likes what you’re doing, but to ASK for those things (from both men and women) has a counterproductive effect. It gives a false sense of confidence to the guy seeking approval, and others around him will think less of him for asking on opinions about every decision. Consistently asking for opinions means you don’t value your own thoughts, so why would or should anyone else?
Imagine watching a guy trying on clothes at a popular store you’re at. After each item he tries on he asks his girlfriend for an opinion and if she likes it. To me, that looks like a child who asks his mother if he can get something. Mother’s don’t even need to be asked, they typically just give an opinion and tell a child what he’s getting. Having a mother-son relationship between a boyfriend-girlfriend (or even worse husband-wife) is a quick way to lose respect from everyone around you. Our significant others are there to have a connection with and share in activities with, that you can’t with other people, whether they be sexual or non-sexual. Asking for approval for everything isn’t a benefit to either person.
Friends and even peers can also give these opinions that alter your decision making processes. At work this principal can also apply if you’re too afraid to share what you feel. There’s a big difference between being a good listener as a boss who takes input from others, and another as a worker afraid to give any opinions because of potential thoughts from others. Again, this can apply to any other social situation as well. One of which being in a classroom setting where you’re afraid to answer or give input on a discussion because others may disagree with your opinion.
It’s important that in all of these environments you openly share your opinions. Whether it be in a social environment, in the work place, or in school, your opinion matters. This isn’t to say you need to have the urge to constantly debate or give an opinion on every single thing, but if you feel you want to say something, fear should never get in the way. You can bring value to a discussion and people respect when others openly say what they’re thinking (assuming it makes sense in the situation obviously.)
Doing What You Want To Do
I have put a heavy focus on approval seeking and neediness revolving around decision making with lifestyle choices and sharing opinions, but it also applies to going out and doing what you want to do. Being pressured out of living the life you want to live is a hot commodity for women. Women enjoy getting a man to do whatever they want, not because it’s fun, but because it’s a consistent test of his willingness to take orders from her.
For example, let’s say a man wants to go out to the movies with his friends and his girlfriend doesn’t want to join because she dislikes the movie franchise, or just wants to stay home for the evening. Typically a girlfriend, whether she lives with the guy or not, will try and convince him otherwise and to spend the night with her instead. Women will do that all of the time until you give in so much and become so whipped she loses interest because you’re not putting up any fight for what you want to do.
This same thing can apply to any number of goals as well. Maybe a woman prefers stability but you want to chase a dream. In that scenario it may not be a test and she could be really trying to help give you advice. If a guy wants to take a risk in his life though, especially business wise, it is up to him to make that decision. It’s entirely possible a woman may leave because of that too, but THAT’S OK. Women can’t be a hindrance to a life goal that you want to achieve. No relationship is guaranteed and men shouldn’t have regrets, especially if a break-up occurs down the line for not doing something they really wanted to do.
Women should be supportive and men should remember to return that support of any aspirations a woman may have as well. Again, relationships are meant to bolster us, not drag us down. If a woman leaves because you want to follow a dream and things might not be stable for awhile, then she’s not a great partner anyway. Relationships are rooted in a mutual support of goals and dreams.
Doing What You Want Doesn’t Mean Being Arrogant/Apathetic
I’m saying a lot about doing what you want to do, but what often gets left out by others who say that, is that you shouldn’t just do things for a reaction or “because you can.” There are multiple caveats going along with “doing what you want” and while they may be obvious, it doesn’t hurt to discuss them for a moment. Sometimes men take confidence to an extreme level where they think they can say and do whatever they want without consequences. It’s one thing to style your beard a certain way, wear a certain kind of pants, or go out to the movies with your friends when your girlfriend says no. It’s a completely different thing to curse out Professor’s, compulsively lying, or trying to start fights with people to “prove something.”
When dating experts or pick-up artists say to stop caring about what people think, and do what you want, that doesn’t mean to break social norms. There’s a muddy area for guys trying to “fake it” where the old insecurity and neediness turns into aggressiveness with a fragile ego. Doing whatever you want and disregarding negative opinions should come with a sense of morality. Sometimes men try so hard to become confident that they become so non-caring that they’re apathetic to everyone and everything. That isn’t a comfortable way to live and can actually become quite toxic.
I want to focus on the “cursing out a professor” line I mentioned earlier. Sure, a guy who “doesn’t care” can curse a teacher out for telling him to put his phone down or something simple like that. I’ve actually seen guys who have flipped out on teachers before for this reason. Watching a guy become irrational when he’s “challenged” by somebody else is not an uncommon occurrence. It’s the sign of a fragile ego to go crazy at the drop of a hat. Maintaining composure is an important part of being a man.
What does that prove though? Does it sound masculine to tell friends or women that? “I don’t care so I cursed them out!” When you put it into that perspective it re-frames aggressive behavior in a way where you can see it is actually needy. No one is impressed when you escalate a situation from nothing. I’m obviously aware that some women appear to enjoy this confrontational demeanor, but odds are if you’re reading an article like this you’re not behaving that way because it’s not you, and by acting that way it would be incongruent with who you are.
I’m mentioning this fine line between confidence and arrogance because it’s unfortunate that many men who seek to stop insecurity and neediness, many times go down a path that is equally unattractive to women. It often goes unmentioned by dating/pick-up guru’s that when a guy is trying to stop being needy and insecure, it’s important he doesn’t become arrogant to the point he’s now equally disliked as a needy/insecure guy. We all know men like this, they overcompensate for old needy behaviors by becoming so over the top arrogant/aggressive that it’s a turn off for both women and male friends/peers. Approval seeking arrogance is just as bad as approval seeking neediness. The mindset goes from “I want everyone to be ok with my opinion” to “If you don’t agree with me I’m going to fight with you.” There’s a huge difference between defending yourself and speaking up because you feel like you should and being combative about absolutely everything where being confrontational becomes second nature. It’s very common for quiet and insecure guys to eventually become aggressors because they don’t want to feel belittled anymore. It’s fantastic to not take anyone’s shit, but most guys who adopt this kind of personality do it because they’re wounded. Genuinely confident men don’t care and have nothing to prove in any capacity, they know they can handle challenges and have no desire to prove that to anyone.
If you want a great example of this go watch an episode of “Shark Tank”..The cast consists of some of the richest men in the world. There are arguments between them but typically these arguments end with someone shaking a head or just laughing it off. Obviously this is a show and it’s hard to judge what’s really going on, but that attitude on the show isn’t far off from how I believe these kinds of people would act in real life. They don’t let anything bother them. How much must something be bothering you to start getting extremely confrontational about it and what does it say when it happens with you frequently, these are some questions to keep in mind.
The real key to confidence is being happy with yourself and what you’re doing, and to genuinely be who you want to be. Typically guys who are needy, insecure, or go to the other extremes of arrogant and apathetic are not happy with themselves. People who are confident and content don’t need to outwardly let everyone know how confident they are. A confident demeanor speaks for itself, whereas pretend confidence and arrogance comes off as try-hard. Both women and men can see right through phony confidence. Legitimate happiness within yourself is the best way to stop neediness and insecurity. Taking comments with a grain of salt and putting your own happiness/goals first will lead to a happier life. I’m a big fan of being cocky, but when it gets to the point of apathy it’s swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction and you end up with the same result you had as a needy/insecure guy. There’s definitely a huge difference between guys who are cocky, humorous, and playful and guys who are apathetic and arrogant. It’s equally miserable and uncomfortable to be dependent on women as it is to have a fragile ego. Having a happy balance between doing what you want without caring about others opinions, but not going so far as being blatantly hurtful is important to being happy with yourself and with your friends, family, and girlfriends.
How Confidence Stops Neediness
The ultimate way to stop all behaviors when it comes to being needy is to be confident and remove all insecurities about your choices. Confident men have no worries and know that friends and relationships should be life-enhancers, not hindrances. A popular example I use when it comes to neediness and confidence is certain things about a man’s style, and specifically something like a beard.
A beard can change a mans whole appearance. I have a habit of experimenting with different beard designs. Even if I retain one style for awhile, sometimes I do mix things up more frequently. Since I tend to be in long-term relationships and prefer them to one-night flings, some styles will be liked by my girlfriends and some will be hated. Women will naturally notice when you change something about your appearance and will comment on it. Whether it’s positive feedback or negative feedback for my current style I don’t give an animated response. If I get a compliment I say “Thanks, I like it too” and if it’s negative “Thanks for letting me know” and move the conversation from there. It’s all about me being happy with my appearance and having fun with it. That’s what matters, that you are enjoying yourself and doing what you want to do for yourself.
A man should be able to make style choices he feels are right for him. A man should be able to go out and do what he wants to as long as it’s reasonable, and doesn’t cross relationship boundaries. A man should also be able to make any and all career decisions he wants to make. In general, those are the areas where men become needy and seek opinions, they want what they’re doing, wearing, saying etc…to be OK with others. Being confident in your own style, opinions, and decisions is extremely important. Maintaining and being proud of your individuality, and who you are is important as well. Wanting women to think something you say is funny before you say it or like your clothes before you wear it, isn’t the way to get women to like you. Interestingly, some women will laugh at something that other women won’t and some will like what you’re wearing and other women won’t. If you’re always acting on what certain women will think, then you can miss out on a woman who genuinely likes who you actually are. That’s why being yourself and confident in your own choices is one of the most important aspects of dating. It not only will attract women because you’re confident, but it will also attract the right women who like you. There’s nothing better than living a life you’re pleased and happy with, free from fear of outside opinions, and as a result women will notice that and will start coming to you.
While I have focused this article around dating because it’s a dating website, let’s be clear that all of these things lead to a better life in general. Worrying about your own path before getting involved with someone else will always lead to success for you. Women naturally come to guys when they’re doing what they want for themselves. Successful men have a much easier time dating so don’t let anyone come in the way of your own personal success. You have to take care of yourself and love yourself first and foremost and while seeking women is great, it’s better to have that self-love first.