I decided to write an article about flakey girls after reading the generally accepted advice given to guys who get flaked on. My ideas about girls who flake are a bit different than typically described by other dating experts or PUAs. Because it breaks the norm, men are less receptive to it. I personally believe all women remain viable options for a period of time, even if they’ve flaked. Flakes can become a girlfriend or a sexual partner, tossing a potential option away isn’t something I think needs to be done immediately. Some (many) experts believe a second chance for a flake is a cardinal sin of dating, but that definitely shouldn’t be considered the only ideology.
If you want to give a flake another chance or want to know how to handle a flake, then this article will help. Hopefully this will re-shape how you think about girls that flake on you, as well as realizing the importance of your social perception. Despite the seemingly popular opinion, it is not a bad thing to give a flakey girl a second chance, and there should be content available for men who do want to give a girl another chance at a date.
Why Women Flake
Very briefly there are many reasons that women flake. There are a few chief reasons among them, being a test, legitimate plan change, anxiety or disinterest.
Test: Women want to know you can handle a usually frustrating situation with ease. They want to know you’re a man who could care less what she does. That you have so much stuff going on that a girl who flakes is the least of your problems. Aside from seeing if you can compose yourself, women also test guys by flaking and going out with her friends instead. Some guys might take this personally, but they shouldn’t. Hot girls are all about their friends, and (they pretend) men come second.
If a guy can’t handle her going out and about at the beginning he sure won’t be able to do it when he’s attached down the line. This is a common test, if a guy’s getting insecure about her going out now, he certainly will down the road. That’s why playing it cool is essential. Women don’t want guys who are going to tie them down or control them because of insecurity.
Legitimate Plans: A majority of times I’ve personally been flaked on, have been by girls who really had something come up. If you have plans for Friday night during the summer, and during the day a girl’s family decides to throw a huge barbecue for the entire family, she might have/want to stay at home for the evening instead and be with her family. Since you’re just starting out she shouldn’t be expected to invite you to a big family event, without even having a couple of dates yet. This is the primary reason I think running away from a flake is a big mistake, a girl may be interested and just had new plans come up that she’d be unable to avoid. Sure, you had plans and it’s definitely rude that she bailed on you, but there’s no real reason to take a legitimate flaking personally.
Here’s a hypothetical to further explain the above scenario: The girl bails on you for this family barbecue. What you don’t know is she just graduated with a Master’s degree, that her parents paid for in full, including her prior Bachelor’s degree. They’ve supported her and tossed $300,000 on her education. This girl may really, really like you, she might be distraught to bail on you, but after he family just put the cost of the average house on her education she feels obligated to have a night with her family. Isn’t it ridiculously silly to take that situation personally and potentially flip out or toss an option away over something understandable? Rational people may be saying “of course” right now, but there are dating experts and people who believe flaking is unforgivable. I don’t believe that to be the case.
Anxiety: Men often get the jitters before a first date, why then, is it so hard to believe that women can become so jittery they bail at the last second? Women are a lot more emotional than men, so being overcome with nervousness shouldn’t be surprising for anyone familiar with how women work. It’s possible a woman wants to become more comfortable through conversations or low-pressure situations before heading out on a “hot and heavy” first date. This is especially true when a man can be intimidating. Sure the intimidating nature might draw the woman in, but many women like to know you’re willing to invest emotionally as well, before going on a date.
Disinterest: Instead of telling you straight up she’s not interested, she’ll keep bailing on you until you take the hint. Somehow, flakes think it’s less damaging to accept dates and then bail on them, instead of denying the guy in the first place. That’s not the right way to go about things, but unfortunately, women do it. This is the reason why “the experts” are so keen on hating flakes, they think all women who flake fall under this category. Many may fall under this category, possibly even a majority may be genuinely disinterested. There’s really no way to know unless she says it directly. To assume it is disinterest is too pessimistic.
Other Reasons: Based on personal experiences and both male and female friend experiences, those are the main reasons I have noticed that women flake. Of course this isn’t a full list, there is way too many options that could be going on. Something as simple as a girl likes playing games or got back with her boyfriend can happen as well. The point is to not always take it personally and realize there are legitimate and excusable reasons that a woman may flake early on in the dating process.
The Key is Being Persistent
And there it is, the line that sends some guys into a frenzy. Now you could be baffled at why I’m saying this. That seems to be the trend when I say to be persistent. Most guys, dating experts, and PUAs tell men to run for the hills, to put the ball in the girls court, or even worse give ultimatums. None of these things are the actions of an alpha male. What it means to be persistent is to try again with the girl. Don’t be discouraged if she flakes, it’s a common occurrence. The method at the end of this article will clarify what persistence really means when it comes to girls who flake.
I will say in advance it doesn’t mean to become overbearing and creepily relentless. Persistence is mainly about keeping a girl you may connect with around because she could have had an excusable reason to flake. Even if 99.9% of flakes are disinterested, it’s not a requirement to run away immediately. Persistence is not the same as neediness, there’s nothing to lose in gaming your flakes.
The Problem with Giving Up
The issue with running away or putting the ball in her court is that you’re going to lose her as an option. Losing her shouldn’t matter, but why not retain as many options as possible? Many hot girls flake, that’s how it is, and if you run every time a girl flakes, you’ll be missing out on very attractive partners based on anger and a wounded ego. The way you handle a flake is something that could potentially harm your social perception and it’s also possible to overcome an initial flake as well. There’s too much going on to just go forget it when experimenting and being a little persistent should be encouraged.
Here’s a horrible suggestion I’ve seen on how to handle a flake: “Tell her you’re giving her another chance and if not you’re done with her” Since when is it a thing for alpha males to threaten women? That’s the last kind of person who should be giving dating advice, it’s not going to work and you sound like a major crybaby that she bounced on your date. Ultimatums are never a good look for a guy, any suggestion of “do this or this will happen” is scary, don’t go there. Ultimatums should be reserved for a serious situation, not because a girl had something to do or decided to pass on a date.
Like I previously said, I don’t see a problem with gaming your flakes. The ultimate goal is to not have women flaking on you, but if it happens every so often, especially if it is legitimate, what’s the harm in having another woman in the stables? The more women you have as options creates a natural abundance mentality. What if you’re lifting and working on yourself and one week a flake was disinterested, but the next you’ve gotten an extra centimeter of gains and that put her over the top with you?
You don’t know what will specifically attract a woman, and a minor improvement can change the game with a girl who flaked. Having another girl in the rotation never hurt anyone. It’s like having a bullpen in baseball and all of your relievers get injured, should you risk injury to all of your starters because the other relievers are less reliable? That would be a quick way to get fired as a pitching coach.
The best part about this is that it’s FUN. If a girl flakes you then start to pull back so you’re naturally going to have better game with her. When you’re investing less in someone they notice, to be fair, a girl flaking can instill a mindset you should have all along DON’T BE SERIOUS. Major investing and giving away all of your power too soon is a top cause for flaking and oddly enough when a girl flakes it gives you a good chance to take your power back, and if it doesn’t work out, you most certainly won’t give all your power away again that fast in the future.
What To Do if a Girl Flakes (If You Give Her a Another Chance)
Step 1: Now with the background out of the way, here’s the actual method to handle a flake (with an example) Let’s say you meet a woman and make plans with her for Friday. For some reason or another she bails on these plans last minute. You’re obviously pissed off internally but that shouldn’t be brought outward or onto her. She gives you some excuse before your planned date, earlier on Friday afternoon, that her girlfriends invited her to the club and she can’t ditch them. In return you’re going to respond back with something like “alright no big deal, have a good time I’ll see you another night.” The reason behind this response (instead of flipping out) is that it can ruin how people perceive you. Women talk, and becoming an obsessive guy who went crazy over a flake is going to get around.
By handling it like you don’t care, you’re showing this woman that she isn’t the only thing you have. You have so many options that you’re going out with your friends or meeting up with a different girl. Pretend for a second, you legitimately do have an equally hot (or hotter) woman to invite over that night. Do you care then, at all, that this other girl bailed on you? Odds are you may be a little salty but by the end of the night you won’t even remember. Therein lies the problem with running away or giving ultimatums. A man with options would never do those things. If you want any chance with this girl it needs to be handled like a man and not like it meant the world and you were devastated that she flaked. Nope, you found something better to do.
Step 2: Sticking with this “Friday night” example, you’d text her the next day or on Sunday asking how her night went. As though nothing happened, you had such a good time it was a blessing she flaked on you. She’ll tell you how her night went and in return, since she’ll probably ask, you had a great night too. Your friend ended up having a huge party at his house and some girl almost puked on you, or you won a bunch of beer pong games with one of your boys and everyone was having a great time. Enter some story about how you had a fun time like I just did, but be sure not to brag or make it obvious you’re salty about the flake.
The fact she flaked shouldn’t even be apparent, take it with a grain of salt. By doing this you’ve re-established yourself as a guy with a lot of options. She’s going to feel attracted to you that you didn’t care that she flaked. If a girl flakes on you, it was either legitimate or she does it to everyone. Girls who flake without a real reason don’t just do it once, they’re serial flakers, this is how they roll. By using this method you’re setting yourself apart from the group of guys she does this to all the time.
Final Step: Ask her for a hangout again a day or two after the initial flake, something casual. Sometimes girls flake because you offered to take her out on a boat in Venice on night one. Keep it simple and friendly, so things can “just happen” instead of being forced. Being too serious is another popular reason women flake. Now this time she might flake again. It’s possible you have a major flake on your hands or she’s genuinely not interested. Either way, whenever you want to give up (I say 2 flakes at maximum, that’s too much), do it similar to the way you handled the first flake.
A little less storytelling if it happens again, but it’s important to stay grounded and let it roll off of you. Flipping out, giving ultimatums, or leaving it in her court is a baby way to handle a flake. Even if you are done with this girl it needs to be handled in the same calm manner as you did originally. By handling it in a way that shows you don’t care, you retain your appearance as an alpha male. This becomes less about her and all about you.
Leaving a flake with the ball in your own court and without being whiny keeps you looking good. There are three possible ways this goes from there:
1. She comes around after the first flake (or a second flake just because she was so baffled how you handled things the first time and wants to test again.) When girls flake, guys go absolutely bonkers. They do what the guys on advice forums suggest, they made it a travesty that she flaked, when in reality IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. Doing things differently will set you apart.
2. She flakes until you finally cut off contact with her (but not with threats, just become less receptive to her, never bitter.) It’s possible a week or two down the line she’ll see you were really different than other guys. By then she’ll have flaked on ten more guys and she might feel a boost of attraction based on your lack of neediness. If she comes crawling back it’s up to you how to handle it, but it should be game time from then on. If she then flakes again after crawling back, she isn’t even worth any future contact calm or otherwise. Delete her number and move on.
3. Things dissolve and she was nothing more than a flake looking for an ego boost or to have another guy begging for her attention. It’s fine if this happens because at least you didn’t beg or whine, she didn’t get what she wanted. You stayed a man and true to yourself and she missed out. Sooner or later she’ll probably realize that too.
The Impact on Social Perception
It’s possible you run into girls who flake again or a friend of hers down the line and because of how you handled the particular flaking, you left this girl with absolutely no ammo. NEVER give a woman a reason to tarnish your reputation or question your manhood. Giving ultimatums or giving her a “last chance” or berating her, gives her exactly what she wants and can ruin a social perception about you as well. If you meet a flakes friend eventually (it’s a small world, it can happen) which would you prefer the original flake say:
1. We talked a few months ago. I ended up being busy when we were gonna go out but he was cool about it and ended up doing his own thing. We lost contact but he was chill when I had stuff to do.
2. We were supposed to go out but I ended up having to go out with my friends/family instead for _______ reason. He started flipping out on me and cursing me out telling me I had to go out with him the next day or it was over. I don’t know why he acted this way, I really had something to do! He wasn’t understanding at all, we weren’t even dating yet!
Clearly option #1 is a lot better look. Handling things without putting too much stock into them doesn’t just apply to flakes, it applies to girls in general. Never worry about what she does, busy men have alternatives and they make it clear through body language and behavior that they aren’t affected by anything a particular woman does. Remember, if you don’t want to give a flake a second chance then don’t, BUT it shouldn’t be a requirement to just drop a girl because she flaked. Sometimes women actually have a real reason for not showing up, imagine that? Giving someone a second or even third chance, as long as it’s done out of fun and learning is OK. It should not be because of the absolute need to be with a girl.
Being persistent and immune to flaking/games is a positive attribute. A girls flaking or games is just an average part of your day, that have no consequence on how great of a night you’re going to have. Games and tests will always be present, it’s how you handle them that matters. Running away or allowing someone to get an emotional rise out of you isn’t the way to handle any situation. Those mindsets will lead to much more success with women and in general.